“I am an author. I am a writer.”
Honestly those eight little words evoke far more fear in my soul than any scary movie or haunted house ever could (side note: I am terrified of both haunted houses & scary movies, even the ones made for little kids).
This weekend at Re:Write I began to wrap my head around the fact that I am indeed called to write. I know it might not come as a surprise to you. I’ve been yammering away on Queen of Free since 2008. I write a regular newspaper column. I’ve guest blogged, written articles, composed an eBook, presented at conferences, and weekly appear on WTHR. “What’s the big deal?” you say?
While I’m not 100% sure where my hang ups about using the official title of author & writer as a descriptor for what I do come from, I do know why I’m afraid. It’s probably a fear you struggle with from time to time, too.
I’m so afraid that it will be discovered that I’m a fraud . . . that I’m not as smart as you might think I am, that I sometimes I yell at my children, that I’m selfish & unkind, that I daily (and sometimes hourly or even secondly) make mistakes. Not just whoops, I forgot to bake cookies for the kids when they came home from school (this rarely ever happens) & throw on my pearls and lipstick to greet the King of Free when he arrives home from work (eh, hardly). BIG mistakes like I reeled out hurtful words or reacted in anger when I should have been loving or I’m completely apathetic and self-serving.
Maybe I’m afraid you’ll find out that I was the little girl who peed her pants in 1st grade because I didn’t want to lose recess time. Or that I struggled with an eating disorder in college. Maybe you’ll know that every once in awhile I pick my nose (ewww I know, gross and TMI but I’m putting it all on the table) or that I’m a constant klutz, falling, spilling, & embarrassing myself. Maybe it’s the fact that I have deep seated fears that I will completely destroy the sweet spirits of my children by being too harsh or expecting too much.
So there you have it. I am a fraud. Sometimes I present myself as having it all together when in reality I’m flying apart at the edges. Maybe I’m not the only one?
The words spoken into my life this weekend (and that whole winning the Tyndale Momentum Writing Contest) were a confirmation that I must not allow these fears to paralyze me though and finally accept the calling of being an author. Here are some of the statements from this weekend that resounded deeply within my soul:
“God didn’t call me to save the world, He’d already done that – but to help change one life at a time.” – George Barna
“Listen to what makes you cry, this is a huge key to what makes you come alive. Tears are tiny messengers to remind us ‘here is where your heart beats strong.'” – Emily P. Freeman
“Great writing flows from a great life. Awesome writing flows from a changed heart. Get your hands dirty, keep your heart clean.” – Mary DeMuth
“Don’t destroy the now out of the fear of tomorrow. We sabotage what is possible in the present because it can’t live up to our hopes for the future.” – Chad R. Allen
“‘Let there be light.’ 4 little words that began to defeat darkness at 186000 miles per second. A minute later there were 11 million miles away with all of creation in its wake. Sound waves that God spoke began to create not just our little planet or our nearest star not just our tiny little galaxy but billions of galaxies. Those 4 words spoke at the very beginning of creation are still creating galaxies at the outer edge. That’s the power of God’s voice. That’s the power of words. That’s a picture of the words and the power of words that God has entrusted to each one of us.” – Mark Batterson
Church isn’t the sole arbiter of a life of meaning. “Tell stories of the deeper magic.” – David Kinnaman
Hi. I’m Cherie. I’m an author. *goosebumps with a brave face out*
Let the journey begin.
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I love the “flying apart at the edges.”
And you are definitely not the only one. 🙂
Hugs!
Thank you friend, for your encouragement and oh so much more. Can you believe we have never physically shared a cup of coffee together but we’ve been blessed with so much more in our relationship? 🙂
It was great getting to know you a bit. It will be fun to see what God does in/through you. I do know this…He will honor your humility and He is always with you. If there’s anything I can do to help in the journey, let me know. You are loved!
Kurt, your ears must be burning! I was just sharing with a friend how grateful I was for the spare moments you spent lending wisdom to me. I am more than confident you will receive a hairy late night e-mail from me with the subject “HALP!” Ha. Thank you again & grace & peace on your EPIC journey. 😉
But now you have an answer to what you want to be when you grow up! I totally see you as an author, but get where it doesn’t seem real.
And no, friend, you are not the only one. My list is too long to put in a blog comment, but suffice it to say, I’ve run into brick walls (literally), been unasked to prom, crushed fingers, run over curbs, hit parked cars….and the list goes on. I like to think of those things as character building.
So excited for you and this next step of your journey!
Run curbs & hit parked cars & took a mirror off one of our cars backing out of the garage. Your list triggered a few more for me. 😉 I also go stood up on my birthday in a big way one year – intentionally. Blah. Character building indeed.
There is a lot of pressure when people expect you to save money every time you roll into a store, too. Sometimes I want to send someone else to do my shopping. Ha!
I’m excited too. And probably if I didn’t have so many neon signs of direction, I’d be doubting the call. God knows he has to remove anything that might make me say, “Wellllll I don’t know . . .” 😉
You are already an author. You have been putting your writing out there for the past several years in this space, so don’t let this new direction for your writing scare you. It is just a natural progression for you and I am so excited to see how God will use you in this new capacity. You’re going to do great!
Also, I’m glad to know I’m not the only 1st grader who wet her pants. There was actually a puddle under my seat because I wore a skirt that day. I threw up in line to get on the bus once as well. Man, I have a ton of these types of events in my history. They are funny now, thankfully. Oh, one more. Our unity candle went out and we had to light it again. Glad we are still united after almost 18 years. 🙂
Oops, I left out throwing up in 3rd grade in the middle of the classroom. In past experience, fear is a good thing, it always means God is about to show up. Every time someone says “Do Not Fear” it’s because God’s presence is about to be manifested.
Thanks for the encouragement friend.
So true! You’re going to do great!
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. The thing I struggled with when I quit my job to be a writer full-time was, “What if I call myself this, and then I fail?” Man, nothing paralyzes like fear.
I admire you being vulnerable and putting it all out there. You are awesome, and I know your book will be awesome.
Failing IS terrifying. Especially after you tell the whole word that are going to do something. Maybe I should have waited to drop that piece of information. 😉
I’ve had the same ponderings. But if you think about how much you’ve written since you started blogging, I bet you could say you’ve written more words than some established authors out there. And that’s OK! We’re all human and we all make mistakes. If you were an astronaut we may hold you more accountable 😉
I’d probably be embarrassed by how many words I’ve written without saying much since 2008 (Were you in middle school when I started blogging on Queen of Free? I bet you were when I started my first blog in 2004). 😉 One day when I’m Astronaut Mike Dexter, I’ll try not to make too many mistakes.
I am SO proud of what you’ve accomplished! I know in my heart that you’ve been called to do this, and it’s these things that make *you* feel like a fraud that makes you so relatable to the people you’re writing for. It’s that vulnerability that allows so many people to connect with you and opens their hearts to the truth you have to speak. You are a writer and you are changing lives. And I’m honored to know you.
*sigh* such sweet, sweet words from someone whose opinion I value so much. This is going to be a crazy 11 months for sure. Once the manuscript gets hacked and edited to death, I’m sure I will need to re-read your comment.
We are all perfect in our imperfections. I Love your honesty. I love knowing you are just like me in so many ways. So excited for this adventure!
Thank you sweet Liz! Can’t wait to share the adventure, too.
dude. DUUUUUUUDE. (so proud of my fancy talented friend)
I’m not sure I’ll ever climb to the ranks of fancy. I will say, after teaching myself to be concise (because I am convinced people stop reading a blog post if they have to scroll down), I’m re-learning to be long winded. 😉 Or at least write 3-4 blog posts at a time and call it a chapter. Ha!