Tips like these helped us pay off $127K in debt. You can read our story in Slaying the Debt Dragon: How One Family Conquered Their Money Monster and Found an Inspired Happily Ever After.
You speak in quieted tones. You argue after bedtime. You cry when they aren’t watching. You crunch numbers in secret.
And you say:
No we can’t buy that.
We can’t afford that.
It’s not in the budget.
Over and over again until you think you might pass out. Half of you feels guilty and if you’re honest the other half feels kind of annoyed by what seems like their constant requests.
But, should you keep grown up matters confined to grown up conversations or should you talk to your children about your money problems? Should you tell your kids you are in debt? That you’ve lost your job? Or that you can’t afford to pay the bills?
Obviously, these questions can only be answered on a case by case basis, factoring in your child’s age and disposition. However, on the whole while we were tackling our behemoth of $127K in debt, our answer was yes. Here’s why.
The Monster Under the Bed
My guess is that your kids are pretty smart. They have parents who read interesting articles on the internet. They have parents who care about their money. They have parents who are literate. That means, more than likely, your child has already caught on to the fact that you have problems in your finances. No matter how low we think we’ve kept our tone, no matter how passive aggressive our arguments, kids cue in quickly to emotional distress in their parents.
And then something awful happens.
No matter how small the problem might be or if you have it under control or not, your child begins to imagine it beyond repair. It’s what I call the monster under the bed syndrome. As a small child, when you hear an innocent noise during the night, it can rapidly morph into a disgusting, terrifying creature ready to devour your favorite stuffed animal in front of your very eyes and then gulp you up in one fell swoop. (Was that just me? Oh well then, carry on.)
Bottom line, your child probably already has an inkling something is up and might have even created a universe where things are worse than they really are.
The Greatest Adventure
Not telling your children about your current situation could negate one of your family’s greatest adventures. Paying off debt or surviving a financial crisis has the potential to draw your hearts closer together. Adversity typically unifies our hearts. Keeping things hush hush could have the reverse effect as your children question what you’re keeping from them.
So Now What Do I Say?
- Above all else, communicate your love for your children to them. They need to know that how you feel about them will never change, no matter the outward circumstances. A simple I love you should always begin the conversation.
- Even in uncertainty, reassure your children of their safety and your well being. Speak words like “It’s going to be OK.” “We have a place to live.” And if you’re a person of faith, “God is going to be with us.”
- Speak in age appropriate terms. Want your average 10 year old to glaze over into a comatose state? Start talking about compound interest rates and the terms of your credit card bill. There is no need to deliver an economic treatise.
- While you want to communicate effectively, that doesn’t mean you water down what’s going on and talk to your elementary kids in a sing-song voice. They comprehend more than you realize and you can begin to open the door to their financial literacy. Discuss money terms – the difference between credit and debit, the simple definition of a budget (it’s money in and money out, that’s all), mortgage, loan, and of course debt. You can make it a game and play the price is right to help teach the price differential between a college education and candy bar. You can check out books from the library.
- Be honest about your feelings but leave the drama for your mama (or your BFF). If you’re scared, it’s OK to tell your kids you’re scared. If you feel down, it’s OK to tell them that, too. However, realize that your child expects you to be their parent. They can’t support you emotionally and you shouldn’t expect them to do so. You need those roles in your life but it’s healthier if you share the deeper things with other adults – your spouse, a trusted friend, or maybe a parent.
- Incorporate your children into the goal setting process. Help your kids become an active part of paying off debt and I promise they’ll do what they can to assist in the effort. Whether they get to color in a giant thermometer with each payment or choose a way to celebrate when each debt is paid off, they should know they are an important part of the process.
Paying off debt is stressful on a family. But people are always more important than things or pursuits. Speak with kindness and vulnerability. Be bold and be the parent. You can do this and your child will appreciate your honesty for years to come.
My book is now available: Slaying the Debt Dragon: How One Family Conquered Their Money Monster and Found an Inspired Happily Ever After. You can also check out Inspiration to Pay Off Debt: 30 Days of Encouragement from the Queen of Free
This post contains an affiliate link. That means when you get a great deal or maybe even something for free, you also help our family pay off our mortgage early. And for that, we royally thank you!
[…] face it, your kids probably already know about your struggles in life. Whether you overspend or are constantly late, your habits aren’t going to shock them. So […]